I woke up today having slept very little. This immediately became my number one excuse for walking around blindly for the morning, lost in thought. Besides, I told myself: I went out for dinner last night and had two beers. I cannot be my best version today. Let’s “do” that tomorrow…
How many excuses do we tell ourselves daily to not be content and make the most of each second? How many times do we justify our own cycles of suffering because they are just so damn familiar to us? Why are we so insistent on doing something to get somewhere else other than where we’ve brought ourselves to right now?
That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be wise to respect my rhythm today. I am obviously slower but that does not have to be a bad experience. The truth is, that now I am writing this article, after passing the phase of “Anything you write today will sound crap” (reinforcing it all, just in case..), I realise how lucky I am to be writing about this on an aeroplane to Malaga, where I will work for the next few days. I feel happy inside, savouring the sensations of the wonderful evening I had last night and the sun on the side of my face through the aeroplane window.
I note physical weariness and disappointment at myself for not being more disciplined. For leaving my flat untidier than I would like. For not replying to some messages or getting some pending work done. For having gone to bed so late when I knew I needed an early night. Seeing these words on paper, I see both the triviality of it all, and the sinister side of when we do ignore what we really want in each moment, and paradoxically of when we rationally try to aim for perfection, for having “it all under control”.
I decide, right now, to make that cocktail of feelings my friend (Only I can make and drink the cocktail, after all…). It is giving me energetic information about how I perceive the world in this moment. None of these words are relevant. I am just more aware now. Oh the beauty of simplicity after complex and futile thinking…
Don’t suffocate the flower. It is beautiful just as it is in its own uniqueness. All the love, connection and fulfillment you strive for, you repress your emotions for, you overthink for, are in the flower right now. Its smell can help you to become instantly conscious of everything you could possibly crave for in this mystery called life.
I will go to bed early tonight. This article has helped me to reconnect with myself (whoever “myself” is), by connecting me with wonder; giving me new awareness that may lead me to act in a way I truly want, in my heart of hearts. And you never know. That may just lead me to offer life a truer version of “me”. More than rejecting guilty feelings, forcing new thoughts or creating action plans could. Life is an art.